THINKING OUT LOUD

do i feel the same?

02.03.2009

11:48 PM
Wednesday
2/20/2008

Ten days after he moved out for good. Three days after we had a fight. Three days after not hearing from him. He found out I talked to her sister in December. I did. Guilty. He didn't know about it. I left him sleeping at home then. It was the day after Christmas. I told her he is coming back home, after three years and 9 months that is.

Day before Christmas of 2007, we broke up. He was lured by her. She makes him smile. He likes her smile. She's young, naive of life's worries. He found a new life. He found excitement. He found empirical happiness.

So I did talk to his sister. What did I tell her? I told her I loved her brother but we just can't live together anymore. I told her he wants to leave me but I couldn't make him go. I told her I love him but it's hurting me too much now. I asked her to make him go home.

So he found that out. He was furious. His words hurt me. He said I have no right communicating with any member of his family. He said I have no relationship with them anymore. Those are the most painful words he told me. More painful than I've fallen out of love with you.

I texted him several times. I sent him an email. I asked him over chat to talk to me. I did all that to tell him he does not have to resent me for what I have done. I did it for him. He said there was nothing to talk about. He was the one who wanted to leave. He was the one who wanted to go. It took him more than a month to do it. Why? I don't know. I used to believe because he still love me. Yes, he said he still do, but no, it was never the reason. Why? Do I have to know?

So it was the same day his Mom was sent to the hospital. I visited her without him knowing. A day after, he found out about it. His father told him. I was surprised he didn't get mad. Was it because I told him I will still care and love his family though we're not together anymore?

He texted me last night to ask for his money. I understand. Maybe he needs it now given the situation. He asked me to bring it to the hospital. I was not sure I have to go. But God knows I'd love to. I couldn't explain the joy I feel when I see his Mom smile at me. I couldn't explain the joy I feel when his niece kisses me.

So I went to the hospital and saw him again after ten days. We seldom talked. If there was something to say, we text each other. She called cause she knows I'm there. Oh, still insecure? Does it hurt her that I was there? None of my business, I told myself.

On my way to the hospital, we were talking about getting something to eat. So we bought food for brunch. We have been texting all night. We never text that long unless we are fighting or we are talking about sex. So yes, we did talk about sex before seeing each other. And we had sex after leaving the hospital together. We went to their house. It was the first time we were alone in their house. He showed me his room and we did it on his bed. It was incredible. It was great. It was one of those unforgettable moments I had with him.

It could have been the most meaningful manifestation of our love for each other, if there was love. Was there? Was it love? Was it lust? Was it something that we just missed doing together? How can we still do it? How can I still do it? Am I trying to be unemotional about it? Am I trying to prove I can be dispassionate with him?

So then it happened. We kissed and went our separate ways after. He never mentioned about the fight. I tried to open the issue for several times but he denied getting mad at me about anything. I don't know if I should be happy that he is not mad or should I be hurt that he never gave me the chance to explain myself? Do I have to explain myself? No. I only wanted to know what was on his mind.

When I arrived home, I received an MMS that says I Love You. It wasn't from him. Fool to assume it was from him. He never texted. I wanted to just to say I am home and I need sleep. Have work for the night. But I did not.

So here I am thinking why he never texted. If I texted him, would he reply? I was afraid he wouldn't so I never did.

Am I not gonna hear anything from him from now on? I believe so. Since the day he made love to her, he regrets it when we do it. Especially when it was as incredile as it was today. So, I'm not gonna talk about it with him again. We never talked about it being the last. We never talked about it today and we are not going to talk about it ever.

We may never talk again.

Posted by kulotsalot 01:35 Comments (0)

bilog na naman ang buwan
ibang tao ka na naman
mag-ingat sa mga salitang
binibitawan, nahuhulog sa kawalan
nasasaktan, nagdaramdam
damdamin ko
pag-iisip ko'y nawawala
katinuan ko
anong kailangan gawin
matanggap ang katotohanan
harapin ang pagkakamali
pagkakasala ng iba'y
binabayaran
pakawalan mo sana
kung pagmamahal mo'y
kasinungalingan lamang

baket nga ba ganito ako ngayon? di ako makatulog. stressed ako. dinudugo ako. naiinis nako. lahat na lang apektado ako. i want to be oblivious of everything. ako naman, pwede ba? ako naman ang intindihin mo. ako naman ang pakinggan mo. pls, wag mo naman ako ipahiya ngayon.
hayyy...napapagod nako sa ganitong pakiramdam. lage na lang ako umiiyak. hobby ko na ata yun kapag wala ako magawa, kapag nalulungkot ako, kapag pinapatay ako ng thought na mag-isa ako. I remember telling you this loneliness was killing me that first Christmas day. I don't understand your reaction. You said people have different ways of celebrating Christmas, even the ones that are alone. Alam ko naman un, kelangan ko lang naman ng mapagsasabihan. Sometimes it helps to have someone that a masasabihan mo kapag masaya ka, malungkot ka, excited ka, kinakabahan ka. Un lang naman ang kailangan ko. Someone to comfort me. Someone to laugh with with me. Someone to talk to. Someone to tell me na I worry too much. Someone to tell me na ok lang malungkot ako; na ok lang na nagising akong umiiyak kase napanaginipan ko na naman si Mama;someone na masasabihan ko ng mga nasa isip ko.

Minsan, sinabihan mo na ako na lahat ng taong nakasama ko nababaliw. Masyado ako mag-isip. Minsan sinabihan mo na din ako na wala naman ako problema. "It's all in the mind." Papansin lang ako.

Isa sa mga stressfull statement binigay mo saken nang minsang nabastusan ka saken at sabe ko pa sau ay "you brought out the best and the worst in me" ay "Bastos ka siguro talaga kaya ka nag-iisa". Panalong-panalo ung linya na un. Pakiramdam ko nun," Wow! this guy claimed he loved me! But, he got all the nerve to tell me things that he know would really hurt me. "
Minsan sinama mo ako magsimba. Pagkatapos ng mass, tinanong mo ako baket ako umiiyak. Sabe ko lang sau kase nagdadasal ako. Ikaw pa lang nakakita saken na ganun..para ka talagag alcohol..kung san mahapdi dun ka bumubuhos.

Di ko alam, why I let you see the real me. May nagsabe na saken minsan, mahal nga kita at martyr ako for doing so, kase kahet anong saket ng salitang bitawan mo saken, napapalampas ko at nagiging ok tayo after. Ewan ko ba, importante ka kase saken. Honestly, sa ngayon, I can't see myself na wala ka sa buhay ko ... you know I wanted to keep you, kahet kaibigan lang. I know you keep asking yourself why, I did try to ask myself the same question. I still don't know for now. All I know is that you make me happy, whatever that means.

It was really difficult for me to accept na after what happened to me with my previous relationship, it was YOU who came into my life. Pero, baduy man, you changed my life in a moment...actually in a word..it was
when you called me baby...it was when you hugged me and you said you missed me...after not seeing each other for a night?..it was when you hugged me, kissed me, and whispered "i love you". OMG!!!! I wanted to cry then...Pakiramdam ko noon, sinumpa ako...lupet talaga magbiro ng tadhana...

Naging masaya naman talaga ako kasama ka. Aaminin ko, nasira talaga ulo ko. Emotionally unstable talaga ako. There are times that I can't deny how you make me speechless, breathless and really head over heels in the moment. There are days that i felt like playing with a 4yr old kid. Grabe ang kasutilan mo. Nung nalaman mo kung gaano ako naiinis kapag nababasa ng ulan ang paa ko, talaga namang di ka titigil hangga't di natatalsikan ang paa ko. Lagi mo mga pinupuri ang pananamit ko, pero tinatawag mo naman akong bakla. Okay lang naman saken un..like i always say, I know ,myself better...pero ang totoo..ok lang saken un tawagin mo akong bakla kesa pag-isipan mo ako na pumapatol kung kani-kaninong lalake... ang saket-saket kapag pinag-iisipan mo ako ng ganun...

Hayyy....rollercoaster ride talaga ...pero kapag sinasabi mo saken how much you love and respect me....shet! gusto kong umiyak.,sumigaw..mabaliw..mixed emotions talaga...BAKET IKAW PA???

[i]
inaantok na naman ako..apat na oras ng tulog bago pumasok sa trabaho kong panggabi..hayyy...walong taon nako sa ganitong klase ng trabaho..nakikipag-usap sa "customer" ng iba. Noon di ko sila nakakausap sa telepono..di ko sila naririnig sigawan at murahin ako..noon nanginginig pako kapag nasisigawan nila..pero ngayon..lekat tinatahimikan ko na lang sila...

teka...wala naman kwenta yan..

un, so natapos na ang weekend na sinasabi ko ...me nangyari ba kakaiba? oo naman..nakapunta ko la union mag-isa..halos 8 oras na biyahe..achievement un!!! see..kaya ko naman mag-isa....hayy..sino niloko ko???

at lumipas ang ilang araw...masama na pakiramdam ko..hayyy ...may saket na naman ako...cia, next time na ulet...kapag ang kwento ko eh may kwenta na...